I pride myself on being flexible. If arrangements change, I don’t so much as flinch and just switch every­thing around.

Current affairs television, where I put in a few years in the Today Tonight era, was a good training ground. It was commonplace to go to work expecting to travel to Cork and next thing be on the way to the airport because a bomb had gone off in London. I remember checking in for a flight home at Heathrow to be told the office had just been on and wanted us to go to Rome because the Irish fans couldn’t get tickets for a World Cup match. Off we went. It was commonplace for the important story you had been working on to become irrele­vant and be cut in half. Or worse, end up in the bin.

I saw the perfect paper­weight recently. It was a piece of granite with “Nothing is set in stone” carved in it. Being flexible, I also expect similar effortless change from those around me, at work and at play. People who don’t cope well with the apple cart being upset regularly will not fare well in any part of the media.

I have said before that when I am a bit stressed, I get short with people. I can usual­ly spot it and control it. It also happens when I am appre­hensive — and that is not spot­ted as easily. Recently, I was in the throes of getting a lot of loose ends tied up before going on a 2,000-mile bike trip when it dawned on me that I must be a bit scared. It wasn’t that I expected to break down or anything, but just that I knew that if I did it would be beside that house where the larger woman traps truck drivers. And I noticed that I wasn’t just being ratty with people. I was also going mad when plans changed. My flexibility was turning to cement.

This came to a head as I waited at the airport to collect my sister and niece. Their early-morning flight had been delayed for two hours. I had a chock-a-block day lined up, and images of being stuck on the M50 had me fuming and pacing up and down like a caged lion won­dering how they could have been so stupid as to get that particular flight, etc etc.

I was in a tracksuit and had to get home for a shower before a meeting. Then absolutely had to get to Bray for a gizmo for a bike. And was having a lunch that I was looking forward to. Something had to go.

Then, to make matters worse, the phone rang, and a piece of work I had slotted in for later in the week was need­ed earlier. I wasn’t even polite. “Why couldn’t they have let me know earlier? Were they completely incompetent?” I might have only thought the second sentence rather than said it out loud.

I got a cup of coffee and sat down fuming. Then it all start­ed to fall into place. To hell with the M50. I could use the port tunnel and give them the car to get home. I could go to a meeting in a tracksuit. No one would bat an eyelid. Then get a taxi home to change and all would be well.

I noticed a woman organising stuff from a big notebook. “Could I have a few pages please? I am stuck here for a while,” She smiled a smile that would warm a room and by the time the plane arrived the back was broken on the rescheduled piece of work.

When the family finally emerged I was in the best of form and all hugs. Mind you, my niece does not think of me as a flexible friend. More like a walking wallet.

John Masterson is a doctor of psychology

First published in September ‘07

SUZIE Q is a passionate dog and loves me. She loves a few people, but I’m definitely in the top five.

She’s not a slut, but is very discriminating. I was chosen for my good behaviour. So when she sees me, she takes off and launches herself at me. If I’m not ready, she leaves me flat on my back. I then get five minutes of total attention, give five minutes back — and if I didn’t tell her to go away, she’d still be lying on her back wanting more.

Suzie Q is a little over a year old, and most of her brain is still puppy. In her short life, she has rejuvenated all around her — dogs, cats, hu­mans. Her playfulness is in­fectious. She doesn’t let you not take notice. And I wonder how long it is before that transition from unashamed puppy mentality to mature circumspect dog takes place.

All of the people who made an impression on me in 2006 had a bit of Suzie Q about them. There were passionate about people, or about what they were doing. And, more often than not, they had a smile on their faces. However, if they had a frown on, it was best to leave the postal district — because, as people who en­gaged with life to the full, someone was likely to feel their wrath. And maybe get an apology for going over the top.

As teenagers, we’re all full of hormones and passion. Our opinions are the most impor­tant in the world. Our soccer team or TV show is followed with fervour. Our slights are felt as real pain. Our loves are all-consuming. Life is intense and we know where we stand about most things.

Maturity makes us more reasonable. Add a bit of mile­age to that maturity and we become very boring indeed, unaffectedly going through the motions of life. If something good happens, we’re too cool to show excitement. If something bad happens, we just deal with it and move on. We go through life, rather than live it,

I met a few people in 2006 who made me sit up and take notice. One was going though a tough time—but had an atti­tude that would get a bunch of people up Everest and down the other side.

Another was at a stage where she just loved her job and had a list of things that she was setting out to achieve. Yet another was nearing the end of a very fulfilling project and wondering what to do next, knowing it would be something very different. All laughed a lot.

By contrast, I sat in a restaurant waiting to be served and wondered why nothing was happening when I spotted the waiter in a corner meditating. At first I couldn’t believe my eyes, but sure enough, there he was in some pretentious pose, absorbed in his inner be­ing — instead of feeding mine.

I don’t have anything much against meditation (some of my best friends do it), but I’m a bit fed up with the mad rush away from stress. Stress is part of life and the people who embrace it and deal with it tend to have richer lives.

For them the highs are high and the lows are low, but it is preferable to living in the medium-waveland. And re­member, you can’t make your­self an egglette without breaking oms.

If you want a resolution for 2007, here is what I suggest. Burn all those books that tell you how to keep calm. Go for something that includes stress as part of the package.

You might laugh out loud. And if you get angry, go for it. But don’t do too much dam­age to those in the vicinity. Check now and again to see if you have a pulse. And if it’s not throbbing, do something about it.

John Masterson is a doctor of psychology

First published in Dec ‘06.

I wear a watch with big Roman numerals. I am a good time keeper, but I don’t need to know to the sec­ond what time it is. Digital watches always strike me as cheap, crass, useless and ugly. I remember the days when the weather forecast was a lot more inaccurate than the worst watch. I liked never be­ing sure what the next day would bring. I used to think that Americans were ob­sessed with the weather on television until I noticed the important difference be­tween their weather and ours: they got it right.

Sadly, we have caught up, and now to look at the internet last thing at night to see what is in store. Do this for a few days and watch what it does to your head. If sun is promised, I go to bed happy. If it says wind or cold, I couldn’t care less. But if rain is on the way, I go to bed miserable, wake up miserable and see little point in life until it has passed.

George Hook often begins his radio programme with “the happiness index” and whether it is going up or down. It always makes me wonder if there is any more to it than rain, or no rain.

There are times I feel like shouting at the radio and telling George that I feel bloody great and was happy that way until he made me think about it.

Then I think about whatever specifically was keeping my spirits up, and before long I am smiling and absent-minded again until I have to slam on the brakes to avoid becoming intimate with the car in front.

George does remind me of one thing: happiness is big business. We all feel we are en­titled to more than our share of it. In a recent survey, 80 per cent of Americans said that they wake up happy; I always feel fairly good when I am in the US of A. Probably related to their happiness is that, in the same survey, 79 percent of people described themselves as optimistic.

Perhaps one key to my better-than-average happiness is that I avoid “glass half empty” people, I do my best to prune them from my life. These are the people who can see all the down sides of winning the Lotto, or going out with Julia Roberts, when I would prefer to become acquainted with the problems associated with such events in my own good time and in my own good way.

Show them a Ferrari and they will go on about the price of petrol.

Most of us think that win­ning the lottery would make us happy but, oddly, once you have enough money to be comfortable, having more does not have as much effect as people think.

Being removed from pov­erty does have a major effect. If the unemployed single man becomes the employed mar­ried man, you can rest assured his life will be rosier. Sadly, the rush of buying the car of your dreams wears off quickly. And it always im­presses the wrong people. Buy a top-of-the-range car and the women that you want to im­press don’t even notice. Just as the woman who spends an arm and a leg on fashion gets “ohs” and “ahs^w from her fe­male friends while the average male doesn’t even remem­ber the colour. Benefits gained from retail therapy are fairly temporary.

Recently, I asked several people what were the things in life that made them really happy. Once they started to give the question real thought, they ended up iden­tifying the very things that re­searchers across the world find. What makes most people most happy are other people — friends, children, parents, lovers, relations, even the peo­ple they work with.

Doing things and commu­nicating with other people forms the social glue that keeps the smile on our faces and the spring in our step. Happiness is the hum of com­munication and conversation and of the ‘I must tell her about…’ moments. It comes from being with people with whom we share a kind of shorthand.

And if you find you cannot get on with your friends, lov­ers and acquaintances, then do the one thing guaranteed to bring you love, enjoyment, satisfaction and one-to-one communication of a high or­der: get a dog.

John Masterson is a doctor of psychology

First published in Nov 2006

I find it hard to think of my mother without also thinking of my father. They were pretty much a double act. In a long marriage, they spent only a few days apart. And when they were together, they talked to each other a lot

I think they liked talking to each other more than they liked talking to anyone else, and this has always stuck in my head as the most impor­tant glue in a marriage, or any relationship. Not only did they talk, I believe they actually listened as well.

They were in love up to the last. She never tired of telling the story of how they parted for a year to make sure they were right for each other. I never saw the sense of it, but it worked for them. Apparently, he used to stand on Baggot Street Bridge hoping to catch a glimpse of her leaving work in the nearby hospital, where she was a nurse. I don’t think she ever caught him. Though I am sure someone must have, because he was about as discreet as I am.

I can remember lying awake in bed as a child and hearing them chatting downstairs. Or waking up and hearing them laughing in bed. They were about as connected as two human beings who still have their own lives could be. And they never tired of it. They shared a world view. They didn’t argue much. But they were quite happy to disagree, though usually, it was not about things of much significance. I could never imagine either of them saying, “I don’t want to discuss that any further.” The notion of giving the other the silent treatment would never have entered their heads.

Some of it must have rubbed off on me, as I am never happier that when I am having a good conversation with a woman. I concede that I am not always the best listener, but there are a few people I find it effortless to listen to, and those are the ones whose company I seek out. Frequently, it is not the subject matter of the conversation that keeps me engaged. It is the style or attitude that the person takes to things.

There are plenty of people who are interested in the same things as I am who would bore me stiff in five minutes. And there are others with whom I have little or nothing in common who keep me fascinated by the way they take on the world and make their own particular sense of it. To a woman, they are blessed with a sense of humour, usually a somewhat quirky one.

You can walk into any magazine shop and see thousands of articles about what to wear, what to weigh, what labels matter, how to have better sex, or more sex etc, etc, etc, all of which are supposed to play some essential part in the mating rituals of today. Anything to do with “the art of good conver­sation” would be remaindered, pronto.

People meet in nightclubs, where they cannot hear each other think. And they drink too much. Usually, people begin drinking to get rid of shyness. They want to pluck up the courage to have a conversation. And they can read magazines until the cows come home before they will find one that tells them that if you can’t hold a conversation with someone, you won’t have much of a relationship, even if you are as skinny as Posh Spice and have internalised the Kama Sutra. “The value of conversation for love”. That will fly off the shelves.

And yet, when the first attraction turns to something more, how often have you heard someone say, “He/she is so easy to talk to”? It seems to come as a surprise.

John Masterson is a doctor of psychology.

First published in March 2009.

Explore, Understand and Learn to
Deal with Stress & Anxiety

with The Harmony Group

Phone 01 / 2100390

This One Day Course is aimed at people with no previous knowledge of Stress & Anxiety Management but who feel that they would like to start to gain control of negative stress in their life.

Course Content

This course is designed to equip the participant in recognising the many different causes of stress and anxiety, how they are stressing themselves, and learn practical and effective techniques to assist in coping with these issues including relaxation techniques.

Noticing what happens to you and how you react when you are under pressure is also an important area, as is the switch from being under pressure to being stressed or anxious.

You will learn how to pre-empt stress building up and how to set boundaries with other people who may be a factor in your stress. Other areas covered are the use of Humour, Goal Setting and Fun & Recreation as further ways of reducing stress and anxiety.

During the course our emphasis is on making the information easily understood and practical. We believe limiting the number of participants to a maximum of 12 makes for a more individual experience.

Venue

Jesuit Conference Centre, Milltown Park, Sandford Road, Dublin 6.
Bus Service: 11, 11A, 11B, 48A and 44.
View Milltown Park in a larger map

Course Dates

Saturday 22nd May 2010

Course Cost

€125.00 per person.

Facilitator

Kevin Solon

Kevin Solon is a Psychotherapist and Life Coach who has many years experience in the area of Stress and Anxiety Management. This experience has been gained through working with clients on a one-to-one basis as well as leading courses for individuals, schools and companies.

Booking Form

As places are limited to 12 per course early booking is advisable.

To register please complete the form below and return with a payment of €125.00 made payable to Kevin Solon, ‘The Harmony Group’.

Our address is 14/16 Main Street, Blackrock, Co. Dublin.

Click here to download a printable booking form:

Stress & Anxiety Workshop Booking Form (May 2010)

The moral of the story?

If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye!!

So, perhaps it’s time to learn to say ‘Yes’ to yourself and ‘No’ to others a bit more than you have been (if this is appropriate)??

Early life experience has a big influence on how you feel about yourself when things that you had a part in go wrong.  People who have endured constant criticism are prone to think badly of themselves and to strive for perfection to escape criticism. Their efforts to be perfect are bound to fail thus perpetuating the negative feelings they have about themselves.  Some people get blamed by other people for how they feel – ‘it is your fault that I am feeling like this … you are doing this to me etc’ – and as a result may end up always trying to make others happy and enduring guilt when they don’t or cannot keep others happy, which is most of the time.

Religion is often at the root of guilty feelings about oneself, and usually that may be no bad thing. But as religious belief changes some of its strictures may still have a grip.   The person who intellectually feels that it is fine to have sex outside marriage may still be tortured by guilt if they have had a strong family history of being told how to think and feel about sexual matters.

If you are stuck in a guilt trip the first thing to do is to re-examine the situation that is troubling you and hopefully you can gain a better perspective on your behaviour.  People are inclined to blame themselves for things that other people, or situational factors beyond their control, had a big role in bringing about.  So take a situation you feel bad about and put it to a simple test. You may have lost your cool with someone at work and regret it. Or you may have snogged one of your spouses friends at a party and are mortified, embarrassed, terrified someone will find out and wanting to turn the clock back. You may just be feeling bad about not making time to visit someone in hospital.  Or about the white lie you told to avoid going to a boring party. Perhaps it is the scratch you put on some other shoppers car at the supermarket.

First of all go back to your intentions before the event happened.  Did you fully intend things to turn out as they did?  Did you see it as a possibility?  Or maybe it never even entered your head.  Pick a figure between one and ten to signify how much you fully knew what you were doing and how it would end up

If another person is upset, who is responsible?  Is it one hundred per cent your fault? Maybe the other person should take some of the blame.  Again pick a number and build up the perspective picture.

Think about what other factors may have contributed to the situation. Maybe they were badly parked. Again try and identify and evaluate those other factors and ask do they lessen the responsibility and guilt you are placing on yourself.

When people feel guilty they may only see the negative factors of the situation.  But it is very unusual for a situation to be all bad.  There are usually pluses and minuses.  Try to step outside your circumstances and assess what percentage of the situation is good and what percentage is bad.  You may be surprised at what you find.

I am not for one moment suggesting that all guilt is bad and that a guilt free world would be a wonderful place.  It is important that we keep a connection between our behaviour and our emotions.  We spend a great deal of time teaching children the difference between right and wrong and it is vital for all of our well being that most people agree in general about how to behave in society.  But values change, life is not black and white, or simple, and throughout life people find themselves with dilemmas for which there is no easy answer. And doing things that do not sit easily with their moral code.  But that does not make them bad people.  Recognising the full complexity of human life may help you get out from under the burden of guilt, while still going through life making a good attempt at separating right from wrong and taking the better road.

John Masterson.

So, how do we successfully deal with these?

To this end, we offer a programme that is tailor made to suit golfers of all levels because we understand that each golfer is unique. Our approach is both organised and structured and nevertheless flexible enough to meet the individual requirements of our participants

Our one-to-one sessions cover topics such as the extent of the mental factors at play in golf, techniques for dealing with many common problems, how to deal with pressure, goal setting, pre-shot routines, imagery and visualisation skills and confidence building.

We believe that if you choose to utilise Golf Psychology, you will give yourself a far greater chance of unlocking your full capabilities.
As has been said, ‘Golf Psychology is a Recipe for Success’.

« back

Sufferers of PTS repeatedly relive the trauma in the form of nightmares and disturbing recollections during the day. They experience sleep problems, depression, feel detached or numb, and are easily startled. They lose interest in things they used to enjoy and have trouble feeling affectionate. They may feel irritable, more aggressive than before, or even violent.

Ordinary events can serve as reminders of the trauma and trigger flashbacks or intrusive images. A flashback may make the person lose touch with reality and re-enact the event for a period of seconds or hours or, very rarely, days. A person having a flashback, which can come in the form of images, sounds, smells, or feelings, usually believes that the traumatic event is happening all over again.

Not every traumatized person gets full-blown PTS, or experiences PTS at all. PTS is diagnosed only if the symptoms last more than a month. In those who do have PTS, symptoms usually begin within 3 months of the trauma, and the course of the illness varies. Some people recover within 6 months, others have symptoms that last much longer. In some cases, the condition may be chronic. Occasionally, the illness doesn’t show up until years after the traumatic event.

Antidepressants and anxiety-reducing medications can ease the symptoms of depression and sleep problems, and psychotherapy, including cognitive-behavioural therapy, is an integral part of treatment.

« back